I am spending a night at my mother’s place… it is way past midnight and everyone in the house is asleep but me. Suddenly mom appears at my door, all sleepy-eyed, and asks if I know what kind of anniversary it is?
I have no idea whatsoever.
Apparently it is two years since I registered myself as an entrepreneur. I find it hilarious that my mother remembers it, and I don’t.
In 185 days I will be doing something that I have been dreaming of for the past years.
Now I’ll just have to make sure I don’t get depressed over the fact that it is 185 days away…
How is that even possible? Everyone and their pet goat has more opinions to voice than anyone is willing to listen.
But what I miss is people who take an interest in things, who like to research, discuss and take into heart things that are not directly influencing their little lives. People who surround me don’t seem to have other issues to discuss than different brands of dishwashers, what they had for lunch, and if what was written in last weeks gossip paper, is true. I am pretty sure these are all very important things, but they bore me to death.
I find it funny. We are supposed to get smarter with age. When you are 18 it is ok to be concerned about the Somalian refugees, discuss the opposition between Israel and Palestine, read Kafka, and watch documentaries about the endangered species of the Amazon rainforest. You enjoy learning new facts and perspectives, you can have heated arguments with your friends until early morning hours, and you still ponder when you walk home in the morning.
And then, suddenly, you have grown up. And the only heated arguments you have are with your significant other about the colour you’ll paint your living room walls with, and your only passion is whether your child should wear a hat today or not.And the only time you have real discussions is when someone has upset you – then you get that bottle of wine, your friends around the kitchen table, and in the middle of the bitching and whining you might discover an aspect or two of human nature.
Sad.
Everything in my body is in a state of panic.
Someone whose presence in my life I very much appreciate asked me to elope to a remote beach for a weekend. As much as I am tempted to say “Go for it!”, I am also pretty sure such an intense time together might ruin our relationship for good.
The love/bastard of my life has put his house on sale. This house meant so much to me – freaking loved this house. I always joked that I care more about his house then himself. I haven’t talked to him in three years now, and I am a bit worried if that sale means a life change that isn’t necessarily good.
Oh, and to top it all off… I bought a car. Talk about taking on responsibilities. You can get me a puppy for Christmas!
Time and location: Monday 9pm at my local supermarket. The following people stand in the line with me:
Customer no 1: a lady in her forties buying 6 litres of cider and 1,5 litres of anti-hangover drink.
Customer no 2: a guy in his twenties, buying 1,5 litres of beer and 4 mini-chocolates.
Customer no 3: a guy in his thirties, buying two litres of beer and a mini wine-pack.
Customer no 4: a guy in his fifties buying an undefinable amount of beer.
Customer no 5: a girl in her twenties, buying an undefinable amount of cider.
You know what I was there for? Watermelon and mineral water.
This summer has been kind to me so far. I’ve spent a lot of time in the company of friends, I’ve been to places, I’ve slept well (getting proper sleep was one of my new year resolutions). However, I am terrified of autumn. I’ve set myself an internal deadline to make the decisions I’ve been avoiding for such a long time.
E. is the thing of the past, unfortunately. Sometimes there’s just something “not quite right” with the people you meet. Well, you’ll sense it; and they won’t even make a secret out of it, but you will still consider it a joke/something insignificant/something that maybe isn’t there after all… until you get a very strong and concrete validation that the “not quite right” is a “very much not right”.
Billy Elliot was on TV the other day. I’ve seen the movie a few times, but I still could not get myself away from the TV. And of course, every time I watch this movie, it makes me cry, more with every time. Maybe it is because with each time you can relate to the tragedy and joy of the characters a bit more… But it could also be that lately my brain/body/hormones/whatever grab of every opportunity to vent, so any reason will do – Bambi’s mother died, at the end of the day my feet hurt from the dance classes, my jar of blackcurrant jam has gone off etc.
***
The first time I saw Billy Elliot at a movie theater before Christmas 2000. A guy whom I considered a dear friend at that time invited me. Of course, as it turned out, it wasn’t exactly a friendly invitation, he was expecting something else. But at this moment I could not return with the same. And after seeing Billy Elliot together, things started going downhill for us. Over the years we have tried to be civil to each other, but after a few very unfortunate incidents we’ve lost touch. Intentionally.
***
The very same day I watched the movie on TV, I went out with a bunch of friends. We were sitting in a well-hidden pub, enjoying our time. And then he shows up, the Billy Elliot guy. He is in his group of friends who apparently know my friends. And so they join us. He sits across the table from me, and does his best to ignore me. He keeps excusing himself from the table to make calls and soon leaves. Ah, how I wanted to talk to him, to joke with him, or try to irritate him. Just to get a reaction out of him. But realising that urge I was just sitting calmly behind my drink, conversing with the crowd, and trying to ignore that fact that he is so strongly woven into my thoughts.
***
I discussed the incident with Island Girl who was close to us both back in the days. She isn’t really in touch with him either, but when they run into each other they communicate in a civil manner. She patiently listened my story of the evening and claimed loudly – “For him to behave like that, you must be strongly woven into his thoughts as well!”
***
I am extremely thankful to universe that I’ve had an opportunity to meet so many wonderful people during my life. Yes, quite a few of them have had their quirks and problems, but then again, we all do. But it pains me that those quirks and problems are sometimes so counterproductive that things go terribly wrong, to the point of losing those wonderful people from my life.
***
ETA: I just realised that this isn’t my first post about him. Actually, I’ve written about him a couple of times. This just confirms how present he is in my thoughts.
I’m having dinner and drinks with a former and a current colleague, both of them have celebrated their 30th birthday within the past 12 months. We’re catching up on each other’s news and gossiping, and the all of the sudden one girl turns to me and says, “It is totally unrealistic that you aren’t 30 yet!!!”
A cappucino at 10 pm and a quick gmail chat with E. … and 3 hours later I’m baking a banana pie, going through the material for my work meetings tomorrow, and have no intention of going to sleep any time soon. Sigh.
They’ve been sitting in my closet, waiting for the appropriate moment to make their appearance.
I re-discovered them yesterday. And this morning there’s an e-mail from E.
If we manage coordinating our calendars somehow, I will wear those stockings.
